| Growing up I sensed my mom was happy in spite of | | | | through the window and said "Look at how beautiful |
| many struggles. I saw that her values and | | | | they are!" I saw the rainbow of colors in my tears |
| appreciation of life's simple pleasures played an | | | | and suddenly I was laughing. There was joy and |
| important part. Even so, I needed to personally | | | | beauty even in my pain. It was one of the most |
| experience what she modeled before I could apply | | | | valuable lessons I have learned. |
| her wisdom to myself and others. From a young age | | | | Practice # 6: ACCEPTANCE |
| I observed human nature, always wondering, "What | | | | "The pain you create now is always some form of |
| does it take for a person to feel happy?" My quest | | | | nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance |
| for that answer has continued. | | | | to what is," (Tolle, 27). The story I shared about my |
| Now, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have the | | | | mom catching my tears in a glass to show me their |
| privilege of sitting with clients every day who share | | | | beauty also taught me that it is okay to cry. One of |
| with me the intimate details of their lives. Clients | | | | my roommates told me she felt uncomfortable when |
| come to therapy in part because they want to feel | | | | I cried because she did not know what to say. I told |
| happy! They come to seek solutions to regular life | | | | her, "Just tell me I am beautiful when I cry!" From |
| problems. They may need support and guidance to | | | | then on we enjoyed the experience of laughing and |
| achieve their life goals. Whatever the case, they | | | | crying, knowing tears are a natural physical release |
| benefit from talking with a therapist. It is my belief | | | | offering relief. Now my child clients will tell their |
| that each individual is the expert on their life and | | | | parents when they cry "It's okay to cry. It makes |
| ultimately the best solutions will come from within | | | | you feel better." |
| them. I also know if we can change our | | | | Scott Peck's A Road Less Traveled begins, "Life is |
| self-defeating thoughts, our feelings and lives will also | | | | difficult." Once we accept this fact, we are no longer |
| change. Dale Carnegie said, "Remember happiness | | | | so disturbed by it. The first step in both Science of |
| doesn't depend upon who you are or what you | | | | Mind and 12-Step programs is to relax, or surrender, |
| have; it depends solely on what you think." | | | | and come to know our limitations. Sometimes this |
| Thoughts are powerful! In therapy people can | | | | feels strange but once we do it, the steps that |
| develop the tools, self-awareness, outlook and | | | | follow are manageable, as we realize we are a small |
| confidence to transform life's challenges into a | | | | part of a much bigger picture. It helps put things in |
| meaningful life infused with energy and optimism. As | | | | perspective and allows us to focus on our place in |
| a therapist, part of my work is to listen and pose | | | | the universe. For a year my mantra was "Let it be," |
| pertinent questions to help clients accomplish their | | | | as Paul McCartney sang so eloquently. Now I |
| goals. Sometimes the issues are more complex and | | | | frequently recite the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me |
| many layers need to be gradually uncovered. What | | | | the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, |
| follows are ten healthy practices people find of | | | | the courage to change the things I can, and the |
| benefit as they navigate the variety of challenges in | | | | wisdom to know the difference." |
| their lives. | | | | Serenity, courage and wisdom allow me to problem |
| Practice #1: TAKE CARE OF YOUR-SELF | | | | solve when I feel unhappy. Therefore, unhappiness |
| To feel happy, it is important to pay attention to the | | | | can be an indication of a need to change---if not my |
| basics---sleep eight hours a night, eat healthy foods, | | | | thoughts, then my circumstances. I figure out what I |
| and exercise daily. This will sustain the energy you | | | | can not change, focus on what I can change and |
| need to accomplish your goals. It also helps stabilize | | | | how to go about it. Problem solving gives meaning to |
| your mood. Eliminate or reduce substances such as | | | | our lives and develops courage and character. When |
| alcohol, caffeine, sugar, marijuana or other drugs that | | | | problems are avoided, mental illnesses and |
| may be draining your energy and distracting you | | | | destructive patterns develop, stunting our growth, |
| from self-care. Repeat the mantra "Breathe, just | | | | rather than relieving our discontent. For more on this |
| breathe" while taking slow, deep breaths to relax | | | | topic I recommend reading The Road Less Traveled |
| your body. Other techniques such as visualization are | | | | (and the other books listed at the end of this article). |
| useful as well. Think about what relaxes you, what | | | | Self-help reading is also known as biblio-therapy and |
| makes you feel good and incorporate those things | | | | can add to the tools you develop to bring about |
| into your daily life. When we prioritize these basics, | | | | changes that you choose to make. |
| we take care of ourselves on a daily basis. Without | | | | We make our choices, but we cannot determine the |
| self-care, other parts of life may dominate, to the | | | | paths of others. Couples often come into counseling |
| detriment of our physical and mental health. | | | | wanting the other person to change. They struggle |
| Another part of self-care is time management. Our | | | | with the truth that they must change themselves in |
| society is fast paced and demanding of our time. | | | | order for their relationship to change. It is the same |
| When we are so busy or overwhelmed and do not | | | | with families. "If only my son would listen." Or "my |
| take time to rejuvenate, we are likely to burn out or | | | | mom just needs to back off and leave me alone." |
| become less effective. In the wise words of William | | | | While these certainly provide clues to relational |
| Wordsworth, "Rest and be thankful." List the things | | | | dynamics that are not working, the key here is that |
| that drain your energy and find ways to appropriately | | | | they are dynamics. If you change, the dynamic |
| delegate or eliminate them from your life. It is also | | | | changes. No longer are you at the mercy of and |
| important to ask for help when needed! | | | | frustrated by someone else. Now you are |
| As infants, we are dependent on our caretakers, | | | | empowered to do something yourself, and to know |
| usually mom or dad. As we become independent | | | | you cannot change the other person's choice, |
| some of us are reluctant to ask for help, thinking it a | | | | regardless of what it is. |
| weakness. In fact, "interdependence" is necessary for | | | | Practice # 7: BE PATIENT, REALISTIC AND KIND TO |
| success in life. As stated by Isaac Newton: "If I can | | | | YOURSELF |
| see further than anyone else, it is only because I am | | | | Many people are hard on themselves and actually |
| standing on the shoulders of giants". | | | | make themselves, and others, miserable. As the |
| One thing you can do right now is make a list of the | | | | Serenity prayer reminds us, much of life is beyond |
| people you rely on. Then you can make use of it | | | | our control, and what others think of us is "none of |
| when you feel stressed or unhappy. Recognize that | | | | our business." People have their issues. They will |
| we are all social creatures who are connected and | | | | sometimes try to project them on you so as to |
| need each other. Mental health improves when we | | | | blame you for their problems. Many are neither aware |
| are involved with a healthy community. Do your best | | | | of their issues nor willing to take responsibility for |
| to distance yourself from people who are destructive | | | | them. |
| or drain your energy. When you connect with | | | | Learn to be true and good to yourself. You are on a |
| supportive people and disconnect from toxic people it | | | | journey. It is perfectly normal that you will fall down |
| makes a world of difference. | | | | sometimes. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, |
| Practice #2: FIND BALANCE IN DAILY LIFE | | | | and keep walking. If you are not making mistakes, |
| There are many areas of life that need our attention, | | | | you are probably playing it too safe and may not be |
| yet too often we focus on one thing at the expense | | | | challenging yourself by taking risks in order to learn |
| of others. Work and children can be the squeaky | | | | and grow. |
| wheels, but what about our physical, mental, | | | | You do not have to be perfect. You can be human; |
| emotional, spiritual, and relational health? Ernest | | | | we are all human! It is more interesting than being |
| Hemingway enlightens us: "I still need more healthy | | | | perfect anyway. If you do not love and accept |
| rest in order to work at my best. My health is the | | | | yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? You |
| main capital I have and I want to administer it | | | | cannot give to others what you do not have |
| intelligently." Americans work more hours than people | | | | yourself. Take responsibility for your life, and have |
| in other countries and are the most productive, yet | | | | compassion for yourself and others. Be as kind to |
| all too often our health and relationships take a back | | | | yourself as you are to others. Recognize that even |
| seat. This contributes to illness and divorce. When | | | | failures are accomplishments because you are taking |
| you maintain balance in your life, even if you struggle | | | | risks, living courageously, and learning lessons. |
| in one part of it, you can feel good that the rest of | | | | "There are cycles of success, when things come to |
| your life is going well. Continuing to invest in the good | | | | you and thrive, and cycles of failure, when they |
| parts of your life helps you feel strong and satisfied, | | | | wither or disintegrate and you have to let them go in |
| all of which helps you deal with your difficulties. | | | | order to make room for new things to arise, or for |
| Marital research by John Gottman suggests that to | | | | transformation to happen." (Tolle, 152) |
| sustain a marriage, couples need a 5 to 1 ratio of | | | | Just as nature has four seasons, in life there is a time |
| positive to negative interactions. When counseling | | | | for everything and everything has its time. We must |
| couples, I help them increase positive interactions | | | | trust we are divine creatures, a part of larger |
| while they are developing skills to transform the | | | | community, where not everything makes perfect |
| negative ones. Get a babysitter, take dance lessons, | | | | sense, but in every sense we are being perfected. |
| express your appreciation of each other, do things | | | | Like gold that goes through fire to be refined, we |
| you know your partner will enjoy. If things are | | | | grow stronger as we overcome obstacles, building |
| basically going well between you and your partner | | | | character and integrity. Realistically we are all sad at |
| except in one or two areas, be sure to spend time | | | | times, but overall we hope to have the joys in life |
| together enjoying what is positive. Your worries or | | | | outweigh the sorrows, and often a change in |
| disappointments may diminish, and you will feel | | | | perspective can shift things dramatically. There are |
| happier. | | | | mountains and valleys, but within each experience, |
| In addition to the practices that lead to happiness, | | | | whether high or low, joy can be found. |
| developing flexibility will help you adapt to the | | | | "Honor your inner worth. Let your heart's desire |
| challenges you face in life. "Extraordinary flexibility is | | | | breathe. Cherish your gifts. Treat yourself with |
| required for successful living in all spheres of activity." | | | | tenderness, gentleness, and forgiveness. Open your |
| (Peck, 64) Parenting tends to focus on structure, | | | | heart and listen. Love is calling you to the mountain |
| routine, and consistency. By the same token, if | | | | top" (Peck, 29). |
| nothing else teaches us the need for flexibility, | | | | Practice # 8: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY |
| parenting will. When people are inflexible they get | | | | Ultimately people choose to be happy: to find the |
| stuck in one mode all the time. Be willing to learn, | | | | silver lining in each cloud. If you continue to wait for |
| grow, bend, change your perspective or even admit | | | | happiness to arrive, you will be waiting a long time |
| when you are wrong. Not only is it no fun to be | | | | and wondering why you are not happy yet. You are |
| around people who lack flexibility, it is not healthy. | | | | responsible for creating a life that makes you feel |
| When we allow ourselves to change, we not only | | | | happy, accepting the life you have, and finding the |
| surprise others, we might also surprise ourselves with | | | | joy in each moment. |
| how enjoyable life can be. | | | | "The happiness that is derived from some secondary |
| Practice # 3: BE PRESENT - ONE MOMENT AT A | | | | source is never very deep. It is only a pale reflection |
| TIME | | | | of the joy of Being, the vibrant peace that you find |
| Take a look at how much you "stay and be" versus | | | | within as you enter the state of nonresistance." |
| how much you "go and do." We tend to get so busy | | | | (Tolle, 156) |
| that self-care, rest, and time with friends and family | | | | Some people do not take pleasure in their time alone. |
| may fall to the wayside. Most religions and spiritual | | | | However, we need to stay connected to ourselves. |
| guides talk about the value of prayer, meditation and | | | | When we are too busy, or always around others, we |
| other rituals of just being still and quiet or Being. A | | | | may lose perspective on what is most important to |
| book I recommend on this subject is The Power of | | | | us. Taking some down time allows us to focus, think |
| Now, by Eckhart Tolle. | | | | things through and be more aware of our choices. I |
| Those who have not found their true wealth, which | | | | have learned that down time, time I spend alone and |
| is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakeable | | | | contemplative, restores me emotionally and spiritually, |
| peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they | | | | helping me stay honest with myself, and on the path |
| have great material wealth. They are looking outside | | | | that is best for me. |
| for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, | | | | Self- awareness is necessary in order to "own your |
| security, or love while they have a treasure within | | | | part" in conflict with others. It is easy to blame |
| that not only includes all those things but is infinitely | | | | others for our pain, avoiding personal responsibility, |
| greater than the world can offer. (9) | | | | yet as adults we have the power to choose who we |
| This practice of "Being" is accomplished by "staying in | | | | relate to and how we relate to them. We must |
| the moment," which is simply being in, and bringing | | | | empower ourselves to take responsibility for our |
| our attention to, the present. In Taoism, there is a | | | | choices and let go of trying to change others. It |
| term called wu wei, which is usually translated as | | | | takes courage to admit our faults and to recognize |
| "actionless activity" or "sitting quietly doing nothing... | | | | we have the ability to shape our own lives. |
| regarded as one of the highest achievements or | | | | While limitations exist and there are things beyond |
| virtues." (Tolle, 179) When overwhelmed, we worry | | | | our control, we can always turn things around for |
| about all the things that might go wrong in the future. | | | | ourselves if we are creative and brave. When we are |
| Try to surrender to the moment and determine | | | | honest, and have the integrity to do the right thing, |
| what you need right now. More often then not | | | | even when it is difficult, we discover solutions we |
| meeting your current needs will lift your spirits. | | | | can feel happy about. We need to challenge |
| Practices that may be savored in the moment include | | | | ourselves, stop blaming others and see what we can |
| eating, drinking, sleeping, dancing, playing, painting, | | | | do to create change. Mahatma Gandhi led by example |
| drawing, coloring, exercising, reading, writing, | | | | and persuades us to "be the change you want to |
| gardening, and being with other people, animals, and | | | | see in the world." This is essential to personal growth. |
| nature. As I write, my cats linger at my ankles, | | | | Practice #9: COMMITMENT TO TRUTH - OPENNESS, |
| looking for attention, as the setting sun lights up the | | | | HONESTY, AND INTEGRITY |
| tree outside in a magnificent golden hue. In this | | | | Trust is the foundation for healthy relationships. I |
| moment I can honestly say I feel truly happy. While | | | | have found tremendous healing in relationships where |
| you seek this kind of awareness in daily life, you are | | | | we have both been true to ourselves, direct, open, |
| not consumed with the past or future, but are | | | | and honest with each other. If I am not being honest |
| present in the moment, and this is where you can | | | | or doing the things I said I would do I feel bad about |
| find peace. | | | | it, and I am sure the other person is not happy |
| "Surrender reconnects you with the source-energy of | | | | either. Sometimes we do not want to be around |
| Being, and if your doing is infused with Being, it | | | | people who challenge us because we are trying to |
| becomes a joyful celebration of life energy that | | | | stay in our fantasy world where there is no pain or |
| takes you deeply into the Now." (Tolle, 173) | | | | suffering. |
| In their play, children and animals teach us to | | | | "Insofar as the nature of the challenge is legitimate |
| celebrate the moment. Find joy in doing what you | | | | (and it usually is), lying is an attempt to circumvent |
| need to do today! You have the power of choice, | | | | legitimate suffering and hence is productive of mental |
| and every moment is valuable. "Whatever you can | | | | illness." (Peck, 56) |
| do, or dream you can, begin it. / Boldness has genius, | | | | I strive to be a person of integrity, dedicated to |
| power, and magic in it." - Goethe | | | | being truthful. I can also find it difficult to admit my |
| Another book that speaks to the benefit of making | | | | faults and trust others with my more vulnerable |
| the most of our time and energy is The Power of | | | | feelings. I understand the desire to lie, withhold, hide, |
| Full Engagement, by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. | | | | avoid or pretend to be someone you are not. What I |
| They assert that we actually become less productive | | | | have learned is that sooner or later the reality of |
| if we do not take breaks or change activities every | | | | those choices catches up with us and we must face |
| thirty to ninety minutes. Our physical and mental | | | | the consequences. The truth always reveals itself in |
| health are related and we must commit to taking | | | | time. |
| care of both. Persistent stress actually kills neurons in | | | | It is difficult to assess or treat a client if the therapist |
| the brain, and multitasking impacts memory. | | | | does not know the reality of the client's situation. |
| Therefore taking one moment at a time is part of | | | | When relevant information is left out, the therapist's |
| self-care, contributing to our overall health and | | | | guidance may be ineffective or compromised in their |
| happiness. | | | | ability to challenge a client's thoughts, feelings and |
| Practice # 4: SEE THE BIG PICTURE - VISION | | | | behaviors. "The healing of the spirit has not been |
| Albert Einstein knew that intelligence and imagination | | | | completed until openness to challenge becomes a |
| are highly correlated: "Imagination is everything! It is | | | | way of life." (Peck, 54) If you are not dealing |
| the preview of life's coming attractions." Living with a | | | | honestly with your therapist about your most |
| vision for your life gives it meaning and purpose. | | | | important and often painful issues, you might want to |
| Imagination connects us to our gifts and passions | | | | examine your relationships and ability to trust. It can |
| where we discover our love for living. A lot of | | | | be difficult to be vulnerable and trust the therapist |
| research supports the power of intention and | | | | with secrets, yet this is where change and growth |
| visualization. If your current situation is difficult and | | | | can occur. |
| you are at a loss as to what you can do, remember | | | | Addiction is well-documented as an illness where |
| your past strengths and imagine where you want to | | | | people lie to themselves and others. Justifications and |
| be in the future. This can help you realize what you | | | | deception allow a person to continue their behaviors |
| can do today to get you where you want to go. | | | | and ignore the destructive nature of their choices. |
| Self-discipline is accomplished when you can delay | | | | Families who keep secrets are confusing to be |
| gratification, knowing your hard work will pay off in | | | | around because nothing is as it seems. As the |
| time. Sometimes we enjoy the immediate, other | | | | therapist challenges these behaviors you are able to |
| times we make different choices that lead to our | | | | develop trust, honesty and integrity which will |
| long-term satisfaction. Learn to trust yourself when | | | | translate into your personal life. Healthier, open and |
| deciding what you need to balance today's pleasures | | | | direct communication will allow people to feel safer |
| with tomorrow's goals. "Every moment is a golden | | | | and happier. |
| one for him who has the vision to recognize it as | | | | Practice # 10: COMMUNITY SERVICE AND GIVING |
| such." (Henry Miller) | | | | TO OTHERS |
| Practice # 5: APPRECIATION | | | | Once you are grounded in joy and peace, you are |
| When I was young, each morning as she drove me | | | | ready to spread joy and peace to others. The best |
| to school my mom would say, "Look at the morning | | | | way to sustain happiness is to help others feel happy |
| glories." Tired, and still trying to wake up, I would roll | | | | too. Pass it on, pay it forward. Thich Nhat Hanh |
| my eyes and wonder why she said this every day. | | | | reminds us "If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we |
| Later, when I moved away to college, I thought of | | | | can blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, |
| her when I saw morning glories----finally appreciating | | | | our entire society, will benefit from our peace." (3) |
| her desire to share with me on a regular basis the | | | | We are social creatures who need others, and they |
| beauty in nature. Now I walk as often as possible in | | | | us. Random acts of kindness can change the course |
| lovely neighborhoods, by the ocean, lake or | | | | of a bad day into a good day. Simple things like |
| mountains, to appreciate and connect with nature to | | | | smiling, treating others with respect, or offering to |
| remember what a beautiful world we live in. Baby | | | | help can spread happiness. When I first moved to |
| ducks or geese waddling around always lift my mood. | | | | California I had the unexpected pleasure of a having |
| Weekly I play fetch with a dog and daily I pet my | | | | my bridge toll paid by the stranger in front of me. It |
| cats and bask in their peaceful purrs. | | | | immediately lifted my spirits and I talked about it for |
| "Do not pollute your beautiful, radiant inner Being nor | | | | several days. Often people say, "If I were rich I |
| the Earth with negativity. Do not give unhappiness in | | | | would give generously to others." Money is not the |
| any form whatsoever a dwelling place inside you." | | | | only thing people need. Kindness and giving of your |
| (Tolle, 178) Stop and smell the roses and observe | | | | time to another person can make a world of |
| the miracle of life around you, regardless of your | | | | difference. Do what you can. Compassion for others |
| circumstances. Be grateful in everything. "Not what | | | | will help you feel better, distract you from your |
| we have But what we enjoy, constitutes our | | | | problems and expand your perspective. It is in the |
| abundance." Epicurus | | | | journey we find joy, not in the destination. |
| This is one of the most powerful tools in life and | | | | I hope this article encourages you and brings you |
| relationships. Focus on the good, and more good will | | | | closer to feeling happy more often. Like a boat |
| come. Ancient religions and modern spiritual guides will | | | | whose rudder is moved slightly to change coarse, |
| tell you the same. The Dali Lama, in The Art of | | | | small changes in life can lead to entirely different |
| Happiness describes it this way: | | | | experiences. The more you incorporate these healthy |
| Happy people in contrast, are generally found to be | | | | practices, the more you will find yourself laughing and |
| more sociable, flexible, and creative and are able to | | | | enjoying your life. Best wishes as you enjoy your |
| tolerate life's daily frustrations more easily than | | | | journey and spread the joy to others! |
| unhappy people. And, most important, they are found | | | | Bibliography: |
| to be more loving and forgiving than unhappy people. | | | | Burns, David D., M.D. Feeling Good. New York: Avon |
| (17) | | | | Books, 1980, 1999. |
| When you focus on and give voice to what you | | | | The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D. The Art of |
| appreciate about someone, it reinforces their positive | | | | Happiness. New York: Riverhead, 1998. |
| behavior and creates intimacy. No one enjoys being | | | | Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And |
| criticized. Find the good in others, express the | | | | How You Can Make Yours Last. New York: Fireside, |
| positive, and you will have long lasting relationships. | | | | 1994. |
| Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek," and promoted | | | | Loehr, Jim, and Tony Schwartz. The Power of Full |
| servant leadership, with humility and love. Compassion | | | | Engagement. New York: Free Press, 2003. |
| for your enemies is difficult but forgiveness can lead | | | | Moore, Thomas. Care of the Soul: A Guide for |
| to your own sense of peace. "Peace of mind or a | | | | Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life. |
| calm state of mind is rooted in affection and | | | | New York: Harper-Collins, 1994. |
| compassion. There is a very high level of sensitivity | | | | Nhat Hahn, Thich. Being Peace. Berkeley, CA: Parallax |
| and feeling there." (Dali Lama, 26) | | | | Press, 1987. |
| Others who know our strengths and weaknesses | | | | Peck, M. Scott, M.D. The Road Less Travelled. New |
| can help us view things in a more positive way. As a | | | | York: Touchstone, 1978 |
| child I was playing outside when a bee stung me. I | | | | Ryan, M.J. The Happiness Makeover. New York: |
| ran inside crying to mom. She sat me on the counter, | | | | Broadway Books, 2005. |
| pulled out a glass in which she began catching my | | | | Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. Novato, CA: New |
| tears. She held the glass up to the sunlight shining in | | | | World Library, 1997. |