| Valentine's Day is coming up in a few days but I'm | | | | in the 4th century B.C., the rites of passage of young |
| betting you know that already. Probably completely | | | | men to the pagan god Lupercus were celebrated in a |
| prepared, right? | | | | lottery where teenage boys selected the names of |
| Me? I got some ideas working. Might head out to the | | | | teenage girls out of a box to establish romantic |
| mall. Pick up a box of candy. Everyone loves sweets | | | | relationships for a period of one year. |
| and one size fits all unless you've got will power | | | | Some 800 years later in 496 A.D., Pope Gelasius |
| issues. Maybe one of those red velvet cards... | | | | wanted the church to distance itself from such pagan |
| Who am I kidding? I'm never prepared for Valentine's | | | | rituals and commanded that the names of young |
| Day because I don't get it. Every year Valentine's | | | | women be replaced with the names of saints, with |
| Day comes around and every year I feel like I'm | | | | the intention that young men would forget all about |
| being slapped with a romance subpoena demanding | | | | girls and choose to emulate the saints they selected. |
| that I declare my love and my savings to everyone | | | | You don't need a market research firm to tell you |
| I've ever met. | | | | how that went over. |
| I have to buy cards and gifts for my children to give | | | | Undaunted, the Church continued to seek a more |
| to their classmates, their teachers, their friends, their | | | | suitable representative for romantic love than a |
| grandparents. I'm supposed to purchase something | | | | pagan god, and reached back in history to 270 A.D. |
| for my wife, my daughters, co-workers and my | | | | to summon Valentine, the bishop of Interamna, who |
| mother. What's the significance of this sloppy, | | | | had been clubbed and beheaded for his devotion to |
| all-inclusive holiday anyway? If Valentine's Day is | | | | lovers and the sacrament of marriage. |
| about romance, why in the name of Sigmund Freud | | | | Valentine had raised the ire of the Roman emperor |
| and Jerry Springer must I send something to my | | | | Claudius II, known far and wide as a certifiable lunatic |
| mother? Isn't that why we have Mother's Day? | | | | (but not to his face), who abolished marriage as a |
| Judging by what people spend on this holiday, I may | | | | means to strengthen his armies. Claudius believed |
| be the only one on the planet who remains in the | | | | that married men made poor soldiers who preferred |
| dark as to what we're celebrating when we celebrate | | | | staying home and cleaning the gutters rather than |
| Valentine's Day. | | | | poking strangers with sharp objects who often |
| According to the National Retail Federation's 2004 | | | | poked back with sharp objects of their own. Without |
| Valentine's Day Consumer Intentions and Actions | | | | wives at home, Claudius reasoned that men would |
| Survey (romantic title, no?), Americans spent $13 | | | | welcome the diversion of invading another country |
| billion on cards, candy, flowers, jewelry and meals, | | | | on the weekends instead of say, bowling. |
| averaging out to nearly $100 per individual. | | | | In defiance of the decree, Valentine continued to |
| That's nothing. Young adults between the ages of | | | | marry couples in secret until Claudius found out. |
| 18-24 are the biggest spenders, averaging $155 | | | | Impressed with Valentine's conviction and integrity, |
| apiece. For the sake of those poor kids, let's hope | | | | Claudius attempted to convert Valentine to paganism |
| the relationships last as long as it takes to pay off | | | | as a means to avoid execution. Valentine, against the |
| the credit cards used to purchase all those | | | | strong protests of his attorney, attempted to |
| expressions of love. Love? What's love got to do | | | | convert Claudius to Christianity. Although Claudius |
| with it? This is big business, baby. | | | | made a half-hearted gesture of flipping through a |
| "But John, you're just being cynical." Maybe you're | | | | Christian pamphlet Valentine had given him, Claudius |
| right, whoever just said that. Perhaps I've spoken to | | | | remained a pagan and Valentine held fast to his belief |
| soon. Maybe I should go back to the beginning to | | | | in God and the sanctity of marriage. |
| understand the origins of Valentine's Day before | | | | During his imprisonment, Valentine fell in love with the |
| passing judgment. You can come to; just don't get | | | | blind daughter of his jailer and reportedly through his |
| too chummy. The last thing I need is another person | | | | unyielding faith, miraculously restored her sight. Before |
| I've got to buy something for. | | | | his execution, he signed a farewell message to his |
| The story of Valentine's Day is one in which fact and | | | | beloved, "From your Valentine. |
| legend are intertwined - just like blind dates. Beginning | | | | |