| Spiritual Experiences of Enlightenment & Self | | | | self that we all get so worked up about was |
| Realization | | | | meaningless, was tiny compared to the vastness of |
| First Satori: Temporary State of Enlightenment | | | | what we truly are.. And because we made this tiny |
| It was my sophomore year at Bennington College in | | | | thing important, we could not experience the bigger |
| Vermont. My sister had come to visit from Maine. Her | | | | picture: the huge vastness of everything that was |
| last day visiting, I was very busy with classes, and | | | | taking care of everything. Which very nature was |
| meetings with teachers. | | | | peace, bliss and love. Like an enormous father |
| A few things happened that morning. | | | | radiating love. Yet, paradoxically, this tiny "me" was |
| One, I was waiting to meet with my sculpture | | | | not separate from the Father. |
| teacher, playing hackey-sack with a friend while | | | | My words fell on deaf ears. My roommate was in |
| waiting and heard a big CRASH behind me. My friend | | | | deep suffering over his infatuation with a beautiful |
| said | | | | woman (usually my suffering not his!) In speaking to |
| "wasn't that your sculpture, Kip?" | | | | him, I had assumed that just in explaining the truth to |
| And sure enough, while I was there, my wooden | | | | him, he would also experience it and come out of his |
| sculpture - animal carvings linked together as a | | | | suffering. But it was as though what I was saying |
| mobile, a mobile which had been hanging for months | | | | bounced off of him like rain on an umbrella. |
| from the ceiling suddenly crashed to little pieces while | | | | I realized that then and there that I was alone in that |
| I was standing there! | | | | room. That no one could hear what I was saying. It |
| Then because I was waiting to meet with my | | | | was quite an epiphany to realize that, and probably |
| sculpture teacher, I was late to see my | | | | one of the factors why I emphasize CDs like The |
| Improvisation Tutor, who cancelled the classes | | | | Calling that can energetically put you into a state like |
| because I missed the session. This was all my fault | | | | I was in because words by themselves can be |
| and I knew it. | | | | pretty useless. |
| My girlfriend was also that day accused as being a | | | | Because everyone is in their own reality, stuck in |
| racist because she said there was no good outcome | | | | their individual prison and unable to even realize that |
| from any violence (they were talking about the Riots | | | | there is this vastness of consciousness which they |
| in LA in the early 90s in her poly-sci class) And as | | | | are a part of. That this little reality that they deem |
| many of our music teachers were African-American, | | | | so important, is so unimportant. A big cosmic joke. All |
| it was quite a sting to her, because suddenly she had | | | | of this being said, the words don't touch it. To know |
| to defend herself to everyone (we really idolized | | | | it intellectually is meaningless. But to experience it, as |
| some of those teachers, she was anything but | | | | truth, takes the whole weight off of your life, and |
| racist). | | | | then you are weightless. That is how I felt - |
| None of it being heartbreaking but all of them | | | | weightless. |
| together plus a couple of other things left me quite | | | | It wasn't me that shifted my awareness into truth, it |
| frazzled, as though I was being pushed beyond my | | | | was something that cannot be defined, call it grace. |
| limits of what I could handle at once (I could be quite | | | | This is the big mystery. Because one moment you |
| anxious to begin with) | | | | are concerned with your little life and the next, you |
| It was like things were falling apart around me. | | | | are one with the vastness and alive in unconditional |
| (including my sculpture!) I asked my sister if it was | | | | love and bliss. And there is no way really to see how |
| allright if I just meditated for half an hour and she | | | | you got there. |
| said sure, went out in the sunny fields while I put on | | | | My other epiphany sitting at that lunch table was that |
| my headphones in my dark room, sat on the | | | | unfortunately, this new found truth was only |
| wooden floor and closed my eyes... | | | | temporary. And the combined stress from everyone |
| There was an instant and complete acceptance and | | | | around me at an energetic level was bringing down |
| surrender to everything that was happening. I | | | | this awareness, pushing me more and more back into |
| accepted it all and let it go. Not something I really did, | | | | the individual self. I was watching this happen. Yet, |
| it just happened. And in that, this individual form | | | | there was the acceptance of it and I ate my lunch. |
| dissolved completely and there was just blackness. | | | | Within a few hours, I gradually became this small self |
| Back then, I knew very little about meditative states | | | | again. |
| so had no idea what was happening. | | | | I guess on some level, I thought this state would |
| I didn't care, because in the absence of me, in the | | | | come back later on, maybe in a few hours. But the |
| absence of mind or body, there was just blackness. | | | | hours turned to days, days to weeks. Weeks to |
| The complete absence of any stress at any level. In | | | | months... |
| slowly coming out of this blackness, there was such | | | | It was some time after that that I found in the |
| peace and bliss, so pleasurable yet so natural. It was | | | | school library a book called "Autobiography of a Yogi" |
| like I was experiencing my natural state for the first | | | | by Paramahansa Yogananda. And in the book it |
| time. Like everything before this was not natural - | | | | talked about this thing called enlightenment. And I |
| was a resistance to this state. | | | | drank every word like a man dying of thirst get's a |
| Nothing intense, just sweet, mellow bliss moving all | | | | drink of water. |
| through me. There was the feeling this body was so | | | | School didn't seem so important anymore. I |
| tiny and meaningless and the universe so huge and | | | | wondered if there were any of these people who |
| vast. And at the same time, a deep connection with | | | | were "enlightened" today, if it still existed. And I |
| everything. The universe, all and everything was not | | | | planned to fly to India upon graduation and just walk |
| separate from me. I was a drop in the ocean. The | | | | around and ask people if they knew anyone that had |
| drop being absolutely meaningless and the ocean | | | | this "enlightenment" thing and where I could find |
| gushing unconditional love, peace and bliss. | | | | them. It was all totally new to me. |
| I met my sister Kate, she was laying out on the | | | | It was as though since puberty, I was seeking |
| lawn. I was giggling like a little boy. She poked fun at | | | | something more, that there had to be something |
| me and I giggled more, there was no way I could | | | | more. My shrink in High School said that college was |
| explain my state so didn't really say anything. I just | | | | the answer. And although college was better than |
| walked her to her car, smoked a cigarrette and said | | | | highschool, it still left me searching. But suddenly I |
| goodbye as she was driving back to Maine. | | | | found what I was searching for. I hadn't found it, but |
| My whole world had changed. Suddenly, nothing | | | | realized at least WHAT I was seaching for! And this |
| mattered, it was all love, peace and bliss. That was | | | | was a big relief. |
| the joke of it. Not some concept, but that was the | | | | I am not sure if I related my experience above to |
| truth of it, beyond words, beyond perception or | | | | what Paramahansa Yogananda spoke about in his |
| understanding. | | | | book or not. But it was all really beautiful, everything |
| I walked over to the dining hall, got my lunch and | | | | was opening up. That spring, while my girlfriend |
| found my roommate at a table. Before I ate my vegi | | | | frantically worked on her thesis, I lay on her bed |
| burger with cheese sauce, I tried to explain to him | | | | smoking cigarrettes and reading "Autobiography of a |
| what had happened to me. | | | | Yogi" reading parts out loud because I was so |
| I was trying to explain how nothing mattered, that it | | | | amazed that this enlightenment thing had at least |
| was all love and peace and bliss. That this tiny little | | | | existed at some point in time. |