| In order to fully remove serious emotional problems | | | | but you will not know this unless you are willing to |
| and maintain a generally happier state we may need | | | | take the risks). We go through the same risk taking |
| to challenge and change our 'global view' of emotions | | | | process as bungee-jumpers and parachutists do - it |
| as a whole. I call the transition from the globally | | | | feels exactly the same. |
| non-accepting to accepting viewpoint of intense | | | | We may not survivie - but we do. Do it often |
| emotions 'Normalisation'. All emotional problems, | | | | enough and you will find the alleged risks just make |
| including emotional disorders such as obsessions and | | | | you giggle a bit when the warning signals appear. 'Oh, |
| phobias, are very normal life events. | | | | that old chestnut'. As you develop confidence in |
| They are undesirable, but normal. Trouble is, sufferers | | | | taking the 'going-in risks' you develop the |
| are extremely good at hiding their suffering for very | | | | understanding this is normal. You do not remove the |
| long periods of time (by the way, they are also good | | | | risk-taking process, you embrace and normalise it. It |
| at healing and never telling anyone about it). You may | | | | works the same way for all of us. |
| be surrounded by people suffering with emotional | | | | Expanding your pain barrier |
| illness and not know it. A survey carried out in the US | | | | I have never had a broken leg and no, I do not want |
| a couple of decades ago produced results that | | | | one thank you - but if I did have a broken leg and I |
| shocked the government - it revealed over half the | | | | recovered from it I would have expanded my pain |
| population could be classified as mentally or | | | | barrier. That is, I would have expanded my |
| emotionally ill. Think your emotional condition is an | | | | understanding of what I can go through without it |
| isolated and unusual incident? Think again. | | | | killing me and would know what actions need to |
| In my day job working in education I see three to | | | | happen to get me back to good health. Negative |
| four people a week with intense emotional problems | | | | emotional responses tend to travel along the same |
| such as phobias; long term depression; anger issues | | | | nerve routes as our physical pain system and for this |
| and OCD - and I do not work as a counsellor or a | | | | reason they register as though they were actually |
| psychiatrist. They see many more. I might see a | | | | physically hurting us in our brain - but they do not and |
| person with a broken leg once or twice a year. Yet I | | | | we can only learn about our emotional limits if we are |
| have never heard a person with a broken leg refer | | | | willing to experience them. |
| to their situation as abnormal. Painful? Absolutely. | | | | Although what we feel is real, the pain created is |
| Inconvenient? Definitely. Abnormal with lots of | | | | actually based on our perception of an event rather |
| self-criticism? Never. When I talk to people with | | | | than the reality of the event. When we refuse to |
| emotional illness they make 'my condition is abnormal' | | | | accept the nature of an external reality we do so |
| comments continuously - and so do those around | | | | with the intention of attempting to reverse the |
| them. | | | | external reality and most emotional pain is about |
| I suspect the real reason we tell ourselves emotional | | | | preventing or undoing something in the outside world |
| problems are abnormal is because we, and society, | | | | that cannot be undone. When we want to stop or |
| just wish these foggy hard to sort out problems did | | | | undo our own intense response we may have limited |
| not exist and by denying them access to our view | | | | self-management skills and make the mistake of |
| of what normality is we can put them on hold for a | | | | using yet another painful emotional response designed |
| future rainy day. Unfortunately having an emotional | | | | to undo the first - now we have an emotional |
| problem makes every day a rainy day. Broken legs | | | | disorder. |
| have to be dealt with there and then because we | | | | All emotional responses are normal - there is no such |
| cannot function in the outside world if we do not - | | | | thing as abnormal emotional pain. It is how we work |
| but emotional problems? They will keep - as long as | | | | with our emotions that causes or relieves our pain. |
| we all decide they are abnormal. | | | | If you had a close encounter with a lion and your |
| Once we open up to the need to heal our emotional | | | | fear caused you to move quickly away from it you |
| problems, however, we naturally have to declare our | | | | would not stop to criticise your fear as it did the job |
| condition real and the transition to normalisation starts | | | | of speeding you up and temporarily narrowing your |
| to happen - but it comes at a price that includes: | | | | thinking down to look only for an escape route - you |
| - accepting sole ownership for developing your | | | | would want it to do that. You would accept both the |
| self-management skills | | | | external reality and your response to it. You would |
| - taking repeated risks | | | | be grateful to the response if it kept you alive. |
| - expanding your pain barrier | | | | The same system reacts in regards to other external |
| - developing your learning process. | | | | situations but if we do not want to hear what the |
| Accepting sole ownership for developing your | | | | response is telling us about our external reality (for |
| self-management skills | | | | example it may be telling us to leave a harmful |
| Sole ownership of your emotional well-being lies with | | | | relationship but we are torn in our decision because |
| you. You become the detective, the evil scientist | | | | we have a strong dream of having a wonderful |
| experimenting on yourself, the decider, eventually | | | | relationship instead) we cling on to it; we wrestle with |
| your own skilled healer. There are no shortcuts and | | | | it and pin it down - and it fights with us in its |
| no immediate external rewards so your motivation to | | | | determination to protect us but we refuse to see it |
| do this long-term work comes only from you. Let us | | | | for what it is and the message it contains. |
| add personal cheerleader to the list of new roles you | | | | It is absolutely normal for our emotional responses to |
| need to develop. | | | | transmit pain when we are in situations potentially |
| Others may help with advice, with additional | | | | harmful to us - if we are unwilling to experience the |
| cheerleading and with other subtle things over time | | | | pain when it first appears we risk having to endure it |
| (for example counsellors support our unconscious | | | | for much longer periods later. This is a rule of life. |
| transition to normalisation by creating an atmosphere | | | | Developing your learning process |
| of unconditional acceptance which you then pick up | | | | Whatever you pay attention to improves learning |
| on). Ultimately though the whole thing is your | | | | and then what you learn improves what you are |
| responsibility to carry out alone on a day by day | | | | paying attention to. |
| basis in between seeing those helpers and advisors. | | | | Chances are the reason you became emotionally ill in |
| You decide when emotional healing should start and | | | | the first place was because you made some bad |
| when it ends; this normal responsibility is the same | | | | external decisions for yourself and had no idea that |
| for all of us. | | | | was what they were - you found yourself trapped |
| Taking repeated risks | | | | and powerless and began to self-criticise. Learning |
| When you want to heal from an emotional disorder | | | | stops the self-criticism first then it helps you release |
| for the first time in your life you must learn how to | | | | the emotional responses from which you gain insights |
| disconnect from the outside world and risk going | | | | and what you end up with is a route map for what |
| within - into the 'you' that is at that moment a very | | | | decisions you should be making in the future |
| painful you. When you get there you will be the only | | | | according to the kind of person you are. When you |
| person who arrives. As you approach these places | | | | start working in this way you learn to trust yourself |
| inside they release more intense painful energies | | | | and the results give you confidence. |
| sparking ambivalence - the internally painful state in | | | | You learn a space exists between having an |
| which two emotionally supported belief systems | | | | emotional response and taking external behavioural |
| collide with each other. I'm going in, do not go in; I | | | | action. As children we learn the limited model of 'have |
| am right, you are wrong; this will kill you, so why has | | | | feelings: take action', but when we become much |
| it not killed me before? | | | | more powerful as adults this belief system scares the |
| One belief system craves change while the other | | | | hell out of us so we turn to suppression. Instead we |
| wants to keep the status quo and screams 'you are | | | | need to develop the model 'have feelings; go to safe |
| making things worse!' and goes on to show you | | | | space to safely release feelings while gaining the |
| images of failure and how things could end in disaster | | | | insights contained in them and then take necessary |
| if you continue. | | | | actions'. |
| This is both frustrating and frightening. What if you | | | | You learn that putting yourself first is very good for |
| get it wrong? What if you get to a place inside and | | | | other people - how strange is that? Strange but |
| find you are trapped in a worse place than you were | | | | normal. |
| before you decided to take this journey and this | | | | By seeing your emotional problems as normal and |
| worse place becomes your normal day to day | | | | agreeing to work with them like you would any other |
| emotional setting - would it not be better to stay | | | | real-life problem area you learn what lies beneath |
| just as you are? What if you get inside an emotional | | | | your immediately available day to day thinking is not |
| response and discover you are evil and always will | | | | the 'hell' you once saw it as but an amazing, |
| be? Maybe you will open up an emotional response | | | | commonly experienced resource most people are too |
| and it will compel you to attack someone (anxiety | | | | frightened to access. |
| disorders such as obsessions and phobias are built | | | | Break a leg. |
| around the need to prevent these things happening - | | | | |