| p>I've outlined six different religious scenarios that | | | | presence in the family. So, she offers to convert. |
| singles often need to address when dating. There are | | | | Challenge: She needs to carefully consider if she is |
| issues to work through in each situation. You can | | | | converting for herself, him or both. Careful reflection |
| substitute 'her' for 'him' through out because gender | | | | is important so she does not make a rash decision |
| is inconsequential: | | | | while she is 'in love' and then resent him for it later. |
| 1. HER FAMILY OF ORIGIN CARES ABOUT | | | | She needs to think down the road and imagine |
| RELIGION BUT SHE DOESN'T: | | | | herself not celebrating Christmas, attending Church or |
| Example: | | | | raising her children in her religion. Then she needs to |
| A single woman comes from a family of religious | | | | search her heart and see if she will be comfortable |
| Catholics. This is how she was raised but as an adult, | | | | honoring Judaic practices and raising their children that |
| being religious is not that important to her. She is | | | | way. |
| looking for so many other qualities in a mate that she | | | | Possibilities: |
| doesn't care if her husband is Christian or atheist. | | | | If she can honestly say that converting will work for |
| Challenge: | | | | her and that she will not resent it later then it may |
| Her family is upset because their daughter is not | | | | be worth it to her to do this in order to go forward |
| following the values they set up for her and is not | | | | with this partnership. |
| choosing a mate who supports their desired lifestyle | | | | If she thinks she is only doing this for her partner and |
| for her. She needs to respect their feelings without | | | | will resent this choice later, she needs to openly |
| alienating them and still be able to make her own | | | | discuss this with her prospective husband because it |
| choices as an adult. Sometimes the stakes in this | | | | could signal problems down the road. |
| situation are high because she worries that her family | | | | 5. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS HER PARTNER TO |
| will not attend her wedding or will be ex-communicate | | | | CONVERT TO HER RELIGION: |
| her from family outings etc. | | | | Example: Sometimes this scenario works the opposite |
| Possibilities: | | | | way. A Muslim woman meets a man who is Christian |
| In the best of circumstances family members can | | | | but does not seem that religious. They date for two |
| calmly discuss their concerns, disappointments and | | | | years, sometimes attending each other's family |
| desires, while trying to respect each person's position. | | | | holidays and even going to each other's religious |
| In the end it is the decision of the dating couple | | | | services. She hopes that he will convert if they marry |
| about what they want to create in their adult lives. | | | | but has not discussed it. |
| As a compromise, the couple may choose to | | | | Challenge: You can never know how someone feels |
| incorporate some of the family's traditions into their | | | | until you honestly discuss it. Religion can be a |
| wedding or agree to spend some of the important | | | | personal, emotional thing and has differing significance |
| family holidays with her family. This compromise | | | | in everyone's life. In therapy I see singles that are |
| depends on how strongly both partners feel about | | | | dating someone special and are scared to rock the |
| this. | | | | boat by discussing what they see as a potentially |
| 2. THE SINGLE PERSON CARES ABOUT HER | | | | volatile issue. They hope that as he falls more in love |
| RELIGION & WANTS A PARTNER WITH THE | | | | with them, he will be more likely to make this type |
| SAME ONE: | | | | of concession. I have seen long relationships break up |
| Example: | | | | because this was not discussed early enough and |
| Often single people are looking to date and marry | | | | expectations were not shared. |
| within their religion. One example is a Jewish client | | | | Possibilities: |
| who has a preference to marry a Jewish man might | | | | Couples do need to honestly discuss their desires |
| use Jewish dating vehicles like or attend a lot of | | | | around conversion. When this occurs she may learn |
| Jewish singles events at synagogue's or Shabbat | | | | that he is okay with converting to her religion. She |
| dinners. | | | | may also learn that he does not want to convert but |
| Challenge: This might be an easy way to proceed | | | | he is willing to raise Muslim children. There are many |
| with her goal but sometimes (despite her efforts) | | | | permutations of this but after they each have |
| she meets and begins to date someone of a | | | | accurate information, they can decide how and if to |
| different religion. She then needs to decide if | | | | proceed. |
| marrying someone Jewish a deal breaker for her. | | | | 6. THE SINGLE PERSON HAS THE SAME RELIGION |
| Possibilities: | | | | AS HER PARTNER BUT HAS DIFFERING DEGREES |
| If she looks within and decides that having a Jewish | | | | OF OBSERVANCE: |
| partner and family is something she truly wants then | | | | Example: This is a scenario we do not often think |
| she may have to break up with a great guy if he | | | | about. For example, one might assume that if two |
| does not practice Judaism. She needs to remember | | | | Jewish people start dating, religion will not become |
| that there are many great partners out there and | | | | one of the challenges they need to traverse |
| she can find someone within in her religion if this is an | | | | together. This is not true. Let's say that she |
| essential thing that she desires. | | | | celebrates major Jewish holidays but is not religious |
| 3. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS TO HONOR HER | | | | or observant. He is very religious and wants to keep |
| RELIGION & WILL HONOR HER PARTNER'S | | | | a kosher house and observe Shabbat. |
| RELIGION. THEY WILL RAISE THEIR KIDS IN BOTH: | | | | Challenge: She may have to learn a lot about what it |
| Example: Sometimes partner's have different religions. | | | | means to keep kosher and observe Shabbat. Just |
| They both feel strongly about their own religion but | | | | because she is Jewish it should not be assumed that |
| are willing to learn about their partner's religion and | | | | she knows how to do this. This is also a big ongoing |
| honor it. | | | | lifestyle change so she needs to really think about |
| Challenge: It can be important to discuss this when | | | | whether this is something that she wants and is |
| seriously dating and to discuss potential points of | | | | willing to do. |
| conflict. Some good questions are: Will you attend | | | | Possibilities: |
| church alone? Will you expect me to go with you? | | | | She may learn about these practices and decide that |
| Will our children be baptized or Bar Mitzvahed? Will | | | | she is willing to do this for herself, her relationship and |
| we have a Christmas tree and menorah? Will we | | | | their family. Sometimes the woman might offer a |
| educate our kids in both religions and let them | | | | compromise, telling her kosher partner that they can |
| decide? How will this look? | | | | keep a kosher home but she prefers to eat how she |
| Possibilities: | | | | likes when outside. This may or may not be okay for |
| If couples really discuss this before they are married | | | | him. This is why it is so important to discuss these |
| there can be many possibilities. Perhaps they choose | | | | issues first so a respectful partnership can be created |
| to honor both religions on holidays by having a | | | | or they can agree to part ways. |
| menorah and a Christmas tree and discussing the | | | | Summary: |
| significance of both holidays. They may choose to | | | | When I do psychotherapy or coaching with singles |
| have their child attend a secular spiritual community | | | | around dating issues, religion is a common area of |
| where he learns about respecting humankind and the | | | | concern. It's important for singles to think about |
| divinity of all living things. It is not that there is one | | | | where they fall on this issue and for couples to |
| 'right way' to marry and have children where religion | | | | discuss it and create a shared vision on this front |
| is concerned. What is important is to communicate, | | | | before they get married. Otherwise, conflicts can get |
| respect one another and create a Shared Vision that | | | | played out with children later. |
| will work. | | | | Religion is one example of how couples can articulate |
| 4. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS TO CONVERT TO | | | | their core values as individual's, respect each other's |
| HER PARTNER'S RELIGION: | | | | differences and see if there is enough overlap for |
| Example: Sometimes a single woman meets a man | | | | mutual compromise and problem-solving. Dating is a |
| from a different religion. Although she is Christian | | | | great time to navigate this terrain. If it is too difficult |
| (let's say) she is not religious and does not practice. | | | | to do alone, sometimes couples can seek couple's |
| He is Jewish and really wants that to be a guiding | | | | therapy or pre-marital counseling. |